I'm glad you're dead

"My name is John Cook, and my life began the day my heart stopped beating. You meet the most interesting men in Medieval prisons. This one time, I met a guy who offered me immortality for the low, low price of changing my diet. I didn't read the fine print. Because he wasn't talking about a gluten-free diet. More like hemoglobin-full. And now I'm a friggin' vampire with five centuries of pop culture references. Granted, at the time, I was listeni...